It's been so loooong! How've y'all been?

It has been a long while since I last posted. I have been so low, just so blah. After my surgery, I had totally given up on the workout because it took such a long while to recover. Then I had a huge vacation and one of my best friend's weddings to help with and attend. I guess I've still been recovering this whole time. From everything. I'm feeling okay today, but I'm taking it one day at a time.

The thing I've been struggling with the most is my identity. As a mother, I know who I am. I'm tough and protective, caring and nurturing. As a partner I'm a lover, a friend, a sounding board, and advice-giver. But for some reason, I don't know who I am. Myself. I love being a mother to my children and a partner to my boyfriend, but is that all that defines me as a person? I don't know, maybe I'm over dramatizing things. Thinking about it all too much. But the more I do think about it, the more lost I feel. I know, it sounds stupid.

I just want something that is just for me. I clean house, feed kids, cook dinner, wash laundry, play and read and give piggy-back rides. I listen to Quin about his work til my ears bleed and finally get quiet with the kids go to bed. By then, I have to go to bed so I can get up and do it all over again. I get that it's what I do. And I'm not saying that I don't love my family. I'm just saying...

What am I saying?

I don't have a CLUE! I just want to be me again. I want to do something that has nothing to do with Quin and nothing to do with the children. I want to do something that no one will criticize, try to change or take away from me. I just want something more.

Vacay. Done!

I'm back from my vacation! I didn't post the whole week because I wanted to spend as much time with my family and friends as I could, since I would be coming home and none of them would be here. Let me tell you..it was an adventure!

Friday the 15th started out wonderfully. All the packing was done and Quin and I had the trunk loaded. We got up and got dressed, had some coffee, and got the boys up at about 5:30 a.m. We got on the road at about 5:45 and everything was going smoothly. It was all going smoothly until about an hour into the trip when my car overheated on the freeway and subsequently died. Quin got under the hood and got on the phone with dad while I got the babies out of the car and took them off in the ditch so we wouldn't be in any danger in the car.

We sat on the side of the freeway from about 6:30 until almost 9 a.m. It was so scary, and I was so afraid we weren't going to make it to Kansas City for Kayla's wedding. Quin's brother came to pick the boys and I up and Quin waited for the tow truck to come get the car, which cost us $150.00. When we got home, I got on the phone and immediately started trying to find a way to Kansas City. If it wasn't for my best friend, Stephanie, we would have been stuck at home. We were scheduled for a stop in her town on our way to KC, and she was going to follow us the rest of the way. Instead, she drove 7 hours to meet us at our house, then we all piled into her car and set off on our road trip together. We got on the road at about 11:45 p.m. We drove all night. Then, just outside of St. Louis, we broke down in Stephanie's car.

It was terrible. I felt so HORRIBLE. It was about 101 degrees outside, with a heat index of 115, no breeze, on a hot blacktop in a tiny town 120 miles away from our destination, with two babies in tow. Stephanie handled it all like a champ, and Quin worked his butt off to make sure the babies got out of the heat. The town's people were just as wonderful, everyone offering some kind of help. A very nice couple even offered to drive us to the town's one motel. We thought we were going to be there over the weekend. Stephanie's parents were coming to get her, and mom wasn't going to be able to come get us until that Monday. This was Saturday, and we were not going to be able to afford that hotel room all weekend and still be able to have a vacation.

To top it all off, my other best friend, Kayla, had asked me to be her maid of honor a couple years ago. We've been planning her wedding for so long and I had planned her bachlorette party for that night, which I was sad to miss, but she still got to have her party. My dad called late that night and said he was on his way to get us, and we were jumping for joy. Well, I was anyway. Quin and the boys were fast asleep.

Finally, we made it to Kayla's at 3:00 a.m. I was so glad to see her, and we all got some much needed rest.

The week was filled with its ups and downs. We took a family trip to the zoo, Quin and I went on an amazing date, and Kayla's wedding was so beautiful. I caught the bouquet at the reception and danced with Quin. It was a long drive home yesterday, but we made it! I'm sitting in a living room that needs some heavy duty cleaning, so I'm going to get to it! Love to all!

As much as I love them

If it were possible to fold a sheet of normal size computer paper evenly 100 times, it would be 12 billion lightyears thick. That's approximately the radius of the "known" universe.

For some reason, when I read that I cried. I'm such a mess lately, though, so it's really hard to say what caused today's mood swing.

Watching fireflies come up while waiting for fireworks on the 4th

I spend a lot of time with the boys. So much that I sometimes feel like they are my only friends. Both of them are so smart, and John is talking so well, putting full sentences together. It makes me so proud, and the little lisp when he says his "s" makes it even better. Andrew is cruising. He pulls up on all the furniture and in his crib and holds on as he takes these tiny baby steps on his chubby little feet.

Andrew's fat feet in his baby flip flops

I love them both so much. I can't believe I'm their mom. Though this is definitely NOT what I saw myself doing with my twenties, and I sometimes dream of being someone else, I wouldn't change a thing. After about a month-long down swing in my Bipolar, I'm feeling so tired, whiny, and sore. I'm hungry like I haven't eaten in days and I know I need a shower. I've been doing so well at controlling my highs and lows. After two surgerys in the last month, though, I'm kind of off-balance. Not to mention all the anesthesia and pain meds. I'm off everything now, but it messed me up hormonally. That's why I don't take pain meds; they throw everything off.

I feel like I haven't been a very attentive mother lately, and that also makes me cry. I don't know what I would do without these boys. I mean, look at them!

They light up my world.

Yesterday

Yesterday. It was a big day for me. Yesterday was the day I called my advisor at school and spoke with her about my childcare situation. I explained that without childcare, I would not be able to attend. Like a good student advisor, she gave me some other options. I was so excited when she started telling me, I thought Maybe, just maybe, I can still go. Maybe I don't have to give up now. But it was for naught. Her options were great and all, but they still didn't fit into what is financially possible for us.

I was devastated. I cried, threw a fit, called Quin, wallowed in self-pity. None of that made me feel any better. Then I realized (and I want to thank God for that) that just because I don't get my way, or what I want, doesn't mean my world/life is coming to an end. Maybe now isn't the right time. Maybe what I want isn't the right path for my life. It is still hard to accept. It still sucks. It still makes me want to cry. But while I'm learning to accept it, while it still sucks, when I'm all done crying my eyes out, I'll still be me. I'll still be alive and healthy, still be the mother of two beautiful and healthy and brilliant little boys.

Ah, revelations...

My heart hurts

My heart is breaking. I have to call my school today and tell them that without childcare, I can't attend in August. I have literally searched everywhere you could think of for grants, loans, and assistance. The money I got for school doesn't even cover school. I would still owe them $365. I found out about this government program, Child Care Assistance, and called about it. They are sending me an application. For the waitlist. That I can't turn in until my classes start. It makes absolutely now sense to me. I need to have child care WHEN CLASSES START. And since I have no way to provide childcare for them, I can't attend school. You know, I was just trying to better my circumstances, the lives of my children, my life. It is really starting to feel like anytime I try to do something good, it turns around and bites me in the ass, or I fail.

Now I'm just wallowing in self-pity. But I need to for now...

Short and Sweet

I had my surgery this morning and all went well. I'm feeling like hell that got hit by a Mac truck, so I'm only popping on to report that I am, in fact, still alive. I'm going to take a big pill and get some much needed sleep. Love!

It's been a helluva couple weeks

I'm sorry for the lack of posting lately. I've been so tired, in so much pain. I wasn't able to have my surgery last week due to insurance issues, but I'm going in tomorrow first thing! I'm just so drained, and I feel totally useless because I can't do alot. And the worst thing? I can't control my damn bladder! I'm 21 stinking years old, and I can't hold my bladder when I have to pee. It's worse than being nine months pregnant. Ridiculous.

Whatever. I'm having this stupid stent out tomorrow morning.

I am nervous, again. This always seems to happen to me, though. I got all pumped for my wisdom tooth surgery, and couldn't because of insurance. Got myself all pumped for kidney surgery and couldn't have it. Because of insurance. Grrr! I just want to feel normal again. I hate feeling like I have no control over my own body. But, I have to have this procedure. It has to happen. So tomorrow is for sure. I'm just nervous. I haven't quite got to the point where I am comfortable with that thought yet...