Sick babies and cute little boys in their big boy beds!

                                Haley on the left, Melissa in the middle, and Me on the right

                                  Melissa on the left, Haley in the middle, and Me on the right

I'm so excited I can't hardly even stand it. My two number one best friends in the whole world (my sisters) and the most beautiful, fat little one year old (my niece) are coming to visit me in just a couple weeks! I love my sisters dearly, and don't get much time to spend with them, since they both live in Tennessee and I live in Indiana. We talk as often as we can, though. They called me up this morning and were bursting with excitement; so much so that they actually fought over who was going to tell me they were coming to visit.

My youngest sister's husband and niece's father is currently serving in Iraq. While he's away, our middle sister is staying with her and attending college. I haven't seen them in nearly eight months!!! I miss them so much. And more awesome than that, my mom will be here the week before that! My poor boyfriend is going to get so tired of company hehe. But he's never met my youngest sister or my niece, so that should be fun. We're all going to the aquarium and Haley (the youngest) has plans to drive into Chicago to go to the IKEA store.

                             Ignore the time stamp lol..it's so wrong. He wasn't even born in 2009...
Andrew was sick today. I woke up to screams and stinky smells from him. I rushed in his room and he was just covered from head to toe in, well, poop. Yuck. He was running a fever, as well. I ran him a bath and fixed him a bottle, bathed and fed him, then sat in our favorite rocking chair for some good, old fashioned sick-day-spoiling. Do you remember when you were a kid and it was so soothing when you were sick and your mom would pet your hair, rub your back, feed you soup and hold you til you fell asleep? I remember, and I also remember thinking as a child, "When I'm a mommy, I'm always going to do this for my kids when they're sick." So I have a long weekend of disinfecting so we don't pass around his bug.

John is sleeping in his big boy bed so well! I'm so unbelievably proud of him! He's so tall, and is talking so well now, too.
 Funniest thing ever. Yesterday Quin was reviewing the names of things: couch, wall, table, etc. Then Quin pointed at himself and said, "My name is Quin." He pointed at the baby and said, "His name is Andrew." He then pointed at me and said, "Mommy's name is Cassi." Next thing I hear is John running into the kitchen yelling, "Caaaassssiiii!?!" I laughed internally, but outwardly I got on his level and told him the only time he is allowed to call me Cassi is when someone asks what Mommy's name is, or if he's lost and needs to tell someone my name. He called me mommy the rest of the night! I swear sometimes that kid understands alot more than we think he does.

Well, that's all for now!!

My camera is broken!!

I broke my camera! I can't take pictures of all the wonderful things that are happening with my beautiful boys lately! Andrew, my six month old, sat up all by himself yesterday! I'm so proud of him. And John, who is two, is being so sweet to his little brother. He loves him so much, and is such a good big brother.

Also, we got a new couch, which I also can't take a picture of. It's amazingly comfortable, and fluffy, and has a really wide seat, so it's almost as wide as a twin bed...I LOVE IT! It's a big sectional, and it's the best couch I've ever sat on.

I'm planning a Cinqo de Mayo party! I'm so excited, because this will be my first dinner party that I've ever thrown. It's just going to be a small gathering of family, but I'm still excited. I'm making my mom's baked beans, and I have Quin's mom bringing potato salad, his sister bringing deviled eggs, and Quin will be making the meat. I'm also going to be serving Margaritas and Margarita cupcakes! It's going to be great.

I am trying something new, too. I'm doing the veganish lifestyle. I don't eat pork, beef, or chicken. I'm still eating some dairy, eggs, and fish. I found some really great meatless products, that are actually pretty delicious. Veggie Patch and Morning Star make the best meatless burgers, hot dogs, and "sausage". Boca also makes quite a bit of stuff, but I haven't tried that stuff yet. So far, things are going great. I've lost a few pounds, though I can't tell you how many because I don't have a scale. There are alot of other things that are on track, but I don't want to overshare! My skin looks good, and I feel better than ever.

I'm not giving up meat entirely, but mostly. Until the day before yesterday, I hadn't had one bite of red meat in a month! We had garden burgers the other night, and I used ground beef. Wow, I felt so sick after. And something else...sad, or depressed, or something. It just weighed me down. I totally recommend the spicy black bean and corn burgers and the garden burgers.

Veggies and Tofu--Cassi

I'm back!

The last few weeks have been..trying. I've been so consumed with thoughts of my grandmother that I haven't found time to write. Good news, though, my grandmother is doing much better. The doctors took out her vent tube this week and she's now able to sit in her chair and even speak quietly. I'm relieved, and now I feel like I can take a little time for myself now.

John and Andrew have had no idea what's going on, and so all they've seen is Mommy running around like a crazy woman! I did find a little bit of time to edit and upload a new video this week. I'm pretty proud of it, considering it's my first edited video. It turned out pretty well. I'll share it at the end.

I'm now switching my focus to my friend's wedding. I'm going to be her maid of honor, and I'm helping a little with the planning. It's in July, so I have some time left. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see her get married. She and her fiance have been together for six years! It makes me think about planning my wedding, what it will be like, what my dress will look like. *SIGH* Romance..I love it! I think I'll do some bridal updo tutorials and bridal party updo turorials all with makeup and the whole thing. Yay!!

Here's the video for my spring makeup tutorial. Enjoy!

An apology

I'm sorry, to those who have taken it upon themselves to read this, which I'm sure aren't many. I'm sorry that I've been away, that I'm continuing to stay away. My family is having it pretty tough right now, and I'm trying to be there for them while I'm 600 miles away. It's not been easy, and the stress is giving me an ulcer, but finally we had some good news. So I may get some rest finally. I promise to post again within the next few days!
Rest and Relaxation-Cassi

Craziest week ever

My week without internet nearly killed me, but I'm still alive to tell about it. Far worse than that, I recieved news earlier this week that my maternal grandmother has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure after a minor heart attack, and my paternal grandmother was rushed into emergency surgery last night because of an anurism on her aeortic artery. I am heart broken. I've been beating myself up over the fact that I've not called my dad's mom, my grandma Della, since Thanksgiving, and now she can't even breathe for herself. I know it's not my fault, but I should have been a better granddaughter. And this is to be a short note, because I can't seem to find any words to write tonight.

Blogging for my soul

I've realized that doing this, whether someone reads it or not, is cathartic for me in a way. These past few days without my internet connection have been horror for me. I finally got on line tonight, and I read a blog that literally still has me crying my eyes out. I don't think I spend enough time with John. I don't think I'm doing my best as a mother. I know I could be doing better. Sometimes I feel so guilty for all the things that boy has had to go through because of choices I made. I should have left his father when I was pregnant with him. But then I wouldn't have Andrew....it's hard. I tear myself up daily because I hate myself for tearing my family apart, when I'm not the one who tore it apart. Granted, I'm the one who finally said it was over. My ex would have been content to go along with how we were for forever I think. Still to this day he claims he didn't know anything was wrong....(no job, sleeping with my "friend". Yeah. Nothing's wrong champ.)

I guess it's because divorce was always a dirty word when I was growing up. I was raised, taught, that divorce is a last resort. And I still firmly believe that. You should never get married with the hindthought, "Oh, I can just get a divorce if he turns out to be the wrong guy." I didn't, but I also didn't have a clue what I was doing when I was 18, either. I made a mistake, but I intended to stick with it and turn a negative into a positive. Thing is, you have to have equal sides participating for that to work, and obviously, I didn't. I still blame myself. Like I didn't work hard enough to save it, or I wasn't worth changing for, or much worse. I am afraid that someday, my boys will look at me with hatred for leaving their father. For moving on with my life. In an act of teenage rebellion, anything can happen.

I know in my heart of hearts that Quin and I are raising these boys to be hard working, honest men. But that doesn't mean that on the way they aren't going to decide they've had enough of the structure and rules and decide they would rather live with their dad. A place where not only is there no structure or rules, there's no safety, caring, nurturing, love. I didn't have to watch my ex with my son for long to know he didn't want to be a dad. I remember specifically not too long before I told him to get out, an incedent where I needed help with a 15 month old John. I was pregnant with Andrew at the time, and trying to set up for my younger sister's graduation party. We were living with my parents at the time, and he spent almost all of his time in their RV. I called him in the main house to help me out with John, and at first he told me no. Then I straight up demanded it, and he came stomping in, grabbed my baby by the arm, and practically drug him from the room. His own son, because he was mad at me. That didn't fly. I went and took John away from his father immediately and told him not to touch my son. It wasn't too long after that that I told him to pack and not come back.

I just need to keep those memories at the forefront of my mind, because then I can remember that it's not my fault, and John will make up his mind someday. I know he will make the right decision.

Mommy's little runaway

John is so mad at me right now. He has an ear infection and I have to put ear drops in his ears. HE HATES THEM! I have to lay him on his back and put his arms down at his sides while I straddle his chest and arms, hold his head down with his cheek against the pillow so I can put the drops in his ear. It makes me so sad! Mostly because he cries the whole time saying, "Mommy! Mommy!" It breaks my heart. So then I was done with medicine and he hugged me and I kissed his ear and said I was sorry. I have some chores to do today, so I put him in his room with the gate up. When I peeked in about ten minutes later, this is what it looked like: (keep in mind I helped him clean his room this morning, and it was spotless when I put him in there)

So then I told him to clean up the mess, and that Mommy wasn't going to help this time. He then proceeded to take his shoes over and sit down to pout.

He's planning to run away, I just know it hahaha! I love this little monster. Neither one of them seem very happy today. Andrew is throwing a fit, too, and I don't know why. He's been fed, changed, burped, covered up, tylenol, baby orajel....teething is the most fun I've ever had! HA!

Teething rings and overstuffed suitcases! Cassi

What do you see?

My beautiful son, Andrew, is six months old. He is growing and learning so fast! I am so proud of him every time he makes a new discovery. Like when I walked in his room and he was very quietly exploring his tiny feet, or the other day when Quin caught this on camera: (ignore the time stamp...it's wrong lol)

Checking out his beautiful reflection! He was so amazed. Every smile from him is like a sparkling gift from God! I still can't believe He chose ME! to be mommy to these wonderful boys. They make my life so bright and sunny. They are the reason I was born, why I'm still alive after everything I've been through. God watched over me because they are what He had in store for me. I am so blessed every time I wake up in the morning.

Terrible twos aren't as terrible as they sound, because every smile from John is worth a hundred times what the fits and tears are worth. Just look at this smile, and those beautiful brown eyes!

So maybe it's more of a smirk than a smile hahaha...he gets his fiesty Irish attitude from his mama! I love these boys! I can't imagine my life without them.
Love and smiles to everyone today!

Things that make me happy

Today was such a good day! I had so much fun with the kids today; they were both retty well behaved today. Andrew got his shots yesterday, and John has a little bit of an ear infection. All is well otherwise. Before dinner this evening we all went for a walk. It was so cute seeing Quin pick John up and put him on his shoulders! John deserves a dad like Quin. For a man who had no idea what parenting was about, he's such an amazing dad. I know sometimes it's hard for people to wrap their minds around, this whole relationship between Quin and I. For the first time in my life, though, I care less and less about what people think every day.

Quin and I met online in May of last year. I was about three months pregnant with Andrew at the time, just hanging out in a chatroom with "friends". We started playing chess, and the rest is history. We played for four hours that night, just talking and him kicking my butt at online chess haha. We talked every day after that, webcam chatted, where he "met" my oldest son. Though we weren't hanging out in person, we hung out every day. Having a relationship with someone 600 miles away is a great way to really get to know someone without all the physical stuff getting in the way. In August, he flew from Chicago to Kansas City, Missouri to see me. He had two days, and he flew 600 miles to see me! His first time on an airplane...it meant alot. I was hugely eight months pregnant, and he still picked me up off my feet at the airport in the biggest hug I've ever had. It was like those scenes in movies where the boyfriend is flying back home after a long time away. Passers by probably thought we were a couple who had been apart for a while; they had no idea this was our first face to face meeting.

We went to the zoo that day. He pushed the stroller with an 18 month old John in it. He talked to my son, held my hand, rubbed my belly. We both knew how right it felt. The next day we went to the farmers' market with my parents, who instantly liked Quin. Mom and Dad dragged John around in a red wagon while a pregnant me led Quin around my favorite place in the world, City Market in Kansas City, Missouri. We bought produce and listened to performers and had bbq. It was when we were walking through a jewelry store that it happened. The moment we both knew this was it, that we were meant to be together. Browsing around this little jewelry store, the owner, a large man with smiling eyes and a big beard, asked us if we were interested in anything. We told him we were just looking. He then noticed my big belly (I was HUGE!!!) and congratulated Quin on being a daddy. Quin smiled at me, then at the owner, put his hand on my belly and said, "Thank you." I nearly cried! That wasn't the last time that someone mistook him for my baby's father, either. And he seemed to enjoy it.

After that, we had a long discussion about everything that had happened and what we wanted for the future. Our original plan was to wait until the following August to make a move, either me to Chicago or him to Kansas City. After the weekend he spent with me, we decided we couldn't wait that long. We were so in love, and John instantly adored him. I was so hooked! But he had to go home, and that meant more time apart. I bawled my eyes out at the airport. His chin quivered and tears threatened to spill over the rims of his eyes. I am so glad that my amazing mother babysat John for me. I never want him to see me cry like that.

After he got home, we resumed our regular phone calls every night. My due date got closer and closer, and he stood by me through everything. I had been open and honest with him from the beginning, so he knew about my still being married to my childrens' father. Like a new father, and essentially he was, he awaited the arrival of Andrew with me. We spoke the morning I went in for my scheduled C-section, and after I was back in my room with my 8 lb 0.9 oz baby boy. He stayed up with us when Andrew had colic, when John had nightmares, and when I was lonely. And since we've moved here, he's been a disciplinarian, a buddy, a father to my children. He's my best friend and confidante. I'll never regret this as long as I live. Someday, my boys are going to graduate from high school, college, get married, and he's going to be there watching with me, cheering them on and watching proudly.

Today's look and New Hair for Johnny

Today the boys had a doctor's appointment, and it was such a rainy, dreary morning. I needed some color to put a "Spring" in my step...(haha)

This look:
Maybelline New York Dream Liquid Mousse in nude
Covergirl clean powder 225 buff beige
Revlon Golden Affair bronzer 420 naughty or spice
Blush Crush Baked blush 127 honeymoon
e.l.f. Eye pro mini eyeshadow palette (shimmer pink and shimmer purple)
Rimmel London Glam'Eyes in glam ice
Maybelline New York Line Stiletto liquid eyeliner in blackest black
Rimmel London Extra Super Lash mascara in black black
Sally Hansen Line smoothing mineral lip treatment in pink sapphire

Also, John got a new haircut yesterday! It's so awesome. He looks so cute!

He looks so edgy. I love this kid.