It's been so loooong! How've y'all been?

It has been a long while since I last posted. I have been so low, just so blah. After my surgery, I had totally given up on the workout because it took such a long while to recover. Then I had a huge vacation and one of my best friend's weddings to help with and attend. I guess I've still been recovering this whole time. From everything. I'm feeling okay today, but I'm taking it one day at a time.

The thing I've been struggling with the most is my identity. As a mother, I know who I am. I'm tough and protective, caring and nurturing. As a partner I'm a lover, a friend, a sounding board, and advice-giver. But for some reason, I don't know who I am. Myself. I love being a mother to my children and a partner to my boyfriend, but is that all that defines me as a person? I don't know, maybe I'm over dramatizing things. Thinking about it all too much. But the more I do think about it, the more lost I feel. I know, it sounds stupid.

I just want something that is just for me. I clean house, feed kids, cook dinner, wash laundry, play and read and give piggy-back rides. I listen to Quin about his work til my ears bleed and finally get quiet with the kids go to bed. By then, I have to go to bed so I can get up and do it all over again. I get that it's what I do. And I'm not saying that I don't love my family. I'm just saying...

What am I saying?

I don't have a CLUE! I just want to be me again. I want to do something that has nothing to do with Quin and nothing to do with the children. I want to do something that no one will criticize, try to change or take away from me. I just want something more.

Vacay. Done!

I'm back from my vacation! I didn't post the whole week because I wanted to spend as much time with my family and friends as I could, since I would be coming home and none of them would be here. Let me tell you..it was an adventure!

Friday the 15th started out wonderfully. All the packing was done and Quin and I had the trunk loaded. We got up and got dressed, had some coffee, and got the boys up at about 5:30 a.m. We got on the road at about 5:45 and everything was going smoothly. It was all going smoothly until about an hour into the trip when my car overheated on the freeway and subsequently died. Quin got under the hood and got on the phone with dad while I got the babies out of the car and took them off in the ditch so we wouldn't be in any danger in the car.

We sat on the side of the freeway from about 6:30 until almost 9 a.m. It was so scary, and I was so afraid we weren't going to make it to Kansas City for Kayla's wedding. Quin's brother came to pick the boys and I up and Quin waited for the tow truck to come get the car, which cost us $150.00. When we got home, I got on the phone and immediately started trying to find a way to Kansas City. If it wasn't for my best friend, Stephanie, we would have been stuck at home. We were scheduled for a stop in her town on our way to KC, and she was going to follow us the rest of the way. Instead, she drove 7 hours to meet us at our house, then we all piled into her car and set off on our road trip together. We got on the road at about 11:45 p.m. We drove all night. Then, just outside of St. Louis, we broke down in Stephanie's car.

It was terrible. I felt so HORRIBLE. It was about 101 degrees outside, with a heat index of 115, no breeze, on a hot blacktop in a tiny town 120 miles away from our destination, with two babies in tow. Stephanie handled it all like a champ, and Quin worked his butt off to make sure the babies got out of the heat. The town's people were just as wonderful, everyone offering some kind of help. A very nice couple even offered to drive us to the town's one motel. We thought we were going to be there over the weekend. Stephanie's parents were coming to get her, and mom wasn't going to be able to come get us until that Monday. This was Saturday, and we were not going to be able to afford that hotel room all weekend and still be able to have a vacation.

To top it all off, my other best friend, Kayla, had asked me to be her maid of honor a couple years ago. We've been planning her wedding for so long and I had planned her bachlorette party for that night, which I was sad to miss, but she still got to have her party. My dad called late that night and said he was on his way to get us, and we were jumping for joy. Well, I was anyway. Quin and the boys were fast asleep.

Finally, we made it to Kayla's at 3:00 a.m. I was so glad to see her, and we all got some much needed rest.

The week was filled with its ups and downs. We took a family trip to the zoo, Quin and I went on an amazing date, and Kayla's wedding was so beautiful. I caught the bouquet at the reception and danced with Quin. It was a long drive home yesterday, but we made it! I'm sitting in a living room that needs some heavy duty cleaning, so I'm going to get to it! Love to all!

As much as I love them

If it were possible to fold a sheet of normal size computer paper evenly 100 times, it would be 12 billion lightyears thick. That's approximately the radius of the "known" universe.

For some reason, when I read that I cried. I'm such a mess lately, though, so it's really hard to say what caused today's mood swing.

Watching fireflies come up while waiting for fireworks on the 4th

I spend a lot of time with the boys. So much that I sometimes feel like they are my only friends. Both of them are so smart, and John is talking so well, putting full sentences together. It makes me so proud, and the little lisp when he says his "s" makes it even better. Andrew is cruising. He pulls up on all the furniture and in his crib and holds on as he takes these tiny baby steps on his chubby little feet.

Andrew's fat feet in his baby flip flops

I love them both so much. I can't believe I'm their mom. Though this is definitely NOT what I saw myself doing with my twenties, and I sometimes dream of being someone else, I wouldn't change a thing. After about a month-long down swing in my Bipolar, I'm feeling so tired, whiny, and sore. I'm hungry like I haven't eaten in days and I know I need a shower. I've been doing so well at controlling my highs and lows. After two surgerys in the last month, though, I'm kind of off-balance. Not to mention all the anesthesia and pain meds. I'm off everything now, but it messed me up hormonally. That's why I don't take pain meds; they throw everything off.

I feel like I haven't been a very attentive mother lately, and that also makes me cry. I don't know what I would do without these boys. I mean, look at them!

They light up my world.

Yesterday

Yesterday. It was a big day for me. Yesterday was the day I called my advisor at school and spoke with her about my childcare situation. I explained that without childcare, I would not be able to attend. Like a good student advisor, she gave me some other options. I was so excited when she started telling me, I thought Maybe, just maybe, I can still go. Maybe I don't have to give up now. But it was for naught. Her options were great and all, but they still didn't fit into what is financially possible for us.

I was devastated. I cried, threw a fit, called Quin, wallowed in self-pity. None of that made me feel any better. Then I realized (and I want to thank God for that) that just because I don't get my way, or what I want, doesn't mean my world/life is coming to an end. Maybe now isn't the right time. Maybe what I want isn't the right path for my life. It is still hard to accept. It still sucks. It still makes me want to cry. But while I'm learning to accept it, while it still sucks, when I'm all done crying my eyes out, I'll still be me. I'll still be alive and healthy, still be the mother of two beautiful and healthy and brilliant little boys.

Ah, revelations...

My heart hurts

My heart is breaking. I have to call my school today and tell them that without childcare, I can't attend in August. I have literally searched everywhere you could think of for grants, loans, and assistance. The money I got for school doesn't even cover school. I would still owe them $365. I found out about this government program, Child Care Assistance, and called about it. They are sending me an application. For the waitlist. That I can't turn in until my classes start. It makes absolutely now sense to me. I need to have child care WHEN CLASSES START. And since I have no way to provide childcare for them, I can't attend school. You know, I was just trying to better my circumstances, the lives of my children, my life. It is really starting to feel like anytime I try to do something good, it turns around and bites me in the ass, or I fail.

Now I'm just wallowing in self-pity. But I need to for now...

Short and Sweet

I had my surgery this morning and all went well. I'm feeling like hell that got hit by a Mac truck, so I'm only popping on to report that I am, in fact, still alive. I'm going to take a big pill and get some much needed sleep. Love!

It's been a helluva couple weeks

I'm sorry for the lack of posting lately. I've been so tired, in so much pain. I wasn't able to have my surgery last week due to insurance issues, but I'm going in tomorrow first thing! I'm just so drained, and I feel totally useless because I can't do alot. And the worst thing? I can't control my damn bladder! I'm 21 stinking years old, and I can't hold my bladder when I have to pee. It's worse than being nine months pregnant. Ridiculous.

Whatever. I'm having this stupid stent out tomorrow morning.

I am nervous, again. This always seems to happen to me, though. I got all pumped for my wisdom tooth surgery, and couldn't because of insurance. Got myself all pumped for kidney surgery and couldn't have it. Because of insurance. Grrr! I just want to feel normal again. I hate feeling like I have no control over my own body. But, I have to have this procedure. It has to happen. So tomorrow is for sure. I'm just nervous. I haven't quite got to the point where I am comfortable with that thought yet...

And Again

I'm having surgery again tomorrow. I'm nervous. Before, when I was in the hospital and was basically just told and wheeled to the O.R., I wasn't nervous. I was in pain and would have done anything to stop it. Now, knowing it's coming, I'm a little nervous.

But is there anything really to be nercous about? Not really. When they took me down to the O.R., I was cold and they had just awakened me from a nap. Quin had been in the cafeteria getting a sandwich, so he found me in holding waiting for the O.R. to be prepped. The nurse came and gave me my allergy bracelet (I've discovered I'm allergic to morphine) and Quin held my hand while I dozed off again. The nurse came to get me about an hour later and Quin kissed my forehead as they took me into operating.

I remember the nurse helping me scoot onto the operating table, that the room was sterile smelling and white, and that it was freezing in there. The nurse said, "The anesthesiologist will talk to you about your anesthesia in just a moment." I don't remember the anesthesiologist. I just remember waking up in recovery. It was a long white hall with alot of other beds in it. I had an oxygen tube in my nose and I remember clawing at it trying to get it out. I asked the nurse if I could take it out and she said yes. Then I was out again and the next thing I remember is being wheeled to my own room.

That's not scary. It sounds boring, actually. So I'll be fine. Hahaha...I just gave myself a pep talk! And it worked!

Goin nuts!

I'm feeling better, but not 100%. I'm going a little crazy because I really want to get up and move around, but I am really weak and I get tired really quickly. I am having surgery again this Friday morning. I'm nervous, but I'll be glad to be back to normal again. Because of my horseshoe kidney, I'm more prone to kidney stones than most. So no more cafeine for me!

On a funnier note, dirrectly out my front door I can see that the neighbor is getting a new roof. There are A LOT of shirtless, buff, sweaty, tan men walking around on the roof next door, and I'm pretty well confined to the couch. I can see them perfectly from where I am positioned. Gah, I guess I have to suffer through that all day, too. Torment, I tell you. HA! Yeah. Right.

This is going to be a rather short post because I'm starting to fall asleep...it happens when you're taking the meds I am.

Tan muscles and new roofs!

Stones

I have kidney stones. Four of them. This is why I haven't been posting. I have had them for a while without knowing it (I thought I had just a regular UTI). One of them is very large, and was creating a blockage in my left kidney, which then created a life-threatening infection. I've been in the hospital for a week, and I finally was told last night that if I really wanted to go home that I could try to last out the remainder of my illness on my couch. Missing my babies and my boyfriend terribly, I jumped at the chance. It may have been a huge mistake, because I'm in an extreme amount of pain that isn't as easily maintained here at home as it is in the hospital, but I'm trying to manage.

I had surgery on Thursday to put a stent in my left kidney to drain the infection and prepare it for another surgery where they will go in and remove the large stones. Another thing that I found out while I was in the hospital is that a have a congenital disorder called a Horseshoe kidney. Aparently it is the most common renal fusion anomoly. In English that basically means that I was born with one kidney rather than two. When I was in the womb, my kidneys didn't form correctly and instead of separating into two, they are joined together into one. They are joined by an isthmus, which is just a fancy word for tunnel, basically.

So, long story short, I'm alive, and I'll be ok. I'm going to take a time out for a while, though, to heal. Love to you all!

It's a loooong one!

I had a great day today! I slept in, then got up and bathed the boys, fed them, and we all played for a little while. Then John went in his room to play with his toys while Andrew played in his pack'n'play. Then I took on day three of The Plan (that's what I'm calling the exercise thing now hahaha).
I started with Bow extensions, which I do every day. (You can read about bow extensions here). I did 3 sets of 15 reps on each side. I then did 3 sets of 15 squats, which really got me! My glutes and quads and hamstrings were all burning. I maxed out on my arms doing bow extensions today, so that's all I did for my arms. I then took to the floor for crunches. I did 3 sets of 15 each going forward and to each side to not only work the center of my core, but to get my sides, as well. I am now achy all over, but it's a good ache. I know that aching means it's working.

I jogged for about ten minutes (in place) before I maxed out my legs for the day. I think it was a charlie horse that got me. Then I did something I've been wanting to try, but haven't had the courage to. I did hot yoga. Probably not as hot as the actual class, but I shut all the doors and windows, turned off the A.C., and turned on the heat for my short (very short) routine. I'll share it with you!

Mountain Pose (Tadasana)

Start in Mountain Pose. Breathe in to Volcano, breathe out and bend at the hips, slowly rolling down til you are hanging, bent in half. Walk your feet out a little wider than shoulder width, place one hand in the other and rock them back and forth from foot to foot. Become still again, and roll yourself back up to Mountain Pose.
Roll your self back down from the hips, bend knees slightly, and place hands near the hamstrings. Press down through your feet.Breathe in and move your hands around and place them on slightly bent knees. Breathe out and arch your back like you would in Cow Pose. Breathe in and arch your back in the opposite direction, like you would in Cat pose. Repeat 6 times, being mindful of your breathing.
With your hands still on your slightly bent knees, soften and begin to roll from the hips back to Mountain. Put your hands behind your hips, shoulders back and breathe. Feel the open space created by your shoulders. Back to Mountain.

Downward Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)

Plank

Upward Facing Dog (UrdhvaMukhaSvanasana)

Breathe in to Volcano. Breathe out as you fold forward. Breathe in as you step your right leg back into Lunge, out as you step your left leg back into Downward Facing Dog. Relax your head, hips pointed upward, try to press your heels to the floor. Press your hands into the floor and feel your body stretch. Breathe in as you move into Plank, out as you lower, and in again as you move into Upward Facing Dog. Curl your toes as you breathe out and move into Downward Facing Dog, in as you move your left leg into lunge, breathe in, breathe out as you bring your right leg forward, and out again as you slowly return to Mountain. Repeat this several times, alternating which leg steps out first, and increasing your speed slightly.

Locust Pose (Salabhasana)

From Mountain, lie on your belly, arms down at your sides palm up, head to one side. Relax, slowly softening and feeling the tension leave your muscles. Turn your head so your forehead rests on the floor. Slowly lift your legs off the floor, your arms lifting behind you as you raise your chest off the floor into Locust. Extend and lengthen through your calves, your chest open, breathing. Return slowly to resting, turn your head to the opposite side, then repeat.

Half Bow (Ardha Dhanurasana)

Bow Pose (Dhanura-asana)

From resting, place your left hand in front of your left shoulder. Reach back with your right hand and grab your right foot. Push into the floor with your hand, raising your back foot and lengthening through your back. This is Half Bow. Breathe and feel the openness created by your shoulders. Return to resting, and switch sides. When you've done the left side of Half Bow, return to resting.
From resting, reach back with both hands and grab both feet, raising your chest off the floor into Bow. Hold this pose as you focus on your breathing. Return to rest and move to your back.
Once on your back, bring your knees up to your chest and hug them to you. Roll back and forth, from side to side. Feel the tension release in your lower back. Return your feet the floor.

Happy Baby (Ananda Balasana)

Bring your feet up above you into Happy Baby pose. With your hands on the arches of your feet, again you're going to roll from side to side, rotate your feet and legs, whatever you need to do to feel comfortable.

Corpse Pose (Savasana)

Return your feet to the floor. Stretch your legs out, your hands limp at your sides, palm up. Close your eyes, soften into Corpse pose. Focus on your breathing, relaxing all your muscles, one group at a time. Stay in Corpse Pose for 10 minutes and relax, focusing only on breathing.

This was the best routine I've ever done, I sweated so much. I really got to focus on my breathing because it was so quiet. Give it a try and tell me what you think!

*I do not own any of these photos. The photos herein belong to their owners.

Sweatin' to the oldies (Reruns of Law & Order: SVU)

So today was day numero dos of my pound-shedding plan. I worked my ASS off! Pardon my language, but I don't know how else to express what happened in my living room this morning. I sweated. I growled. I cried. I got angry. And it all seemed to work for me! When I wanted to give up, I pushed harder, telling myself that I always give up on everything. Not this time, Miss Cupcake. No, ma'am. You will finish what you started.

So when I was lying on the floor between sets of crunches, thinking about planting my squishy butt back on the couch, I gave myself that little pep talk and started doing crunches again. I worked through the pain, shedding salty tears of self-pity and counting out the reps out loud. I'm sure my children were mortified. When I was finished with my 30 minute work out, I cooled down. Then I broke down. I bawled like a baby. My thighs were shaking, my arms felt like jell-o, and my abdominal muscles were tight and twitching. I wanted so badly to give up. This is the most difficult thing I've ever done, and I realized that I can't give up. I rarely finish anything I start, and I'm not about to make being healthy another black mark on that list.

The anger in me that was released when I thought of all the excuses I've made over the last couple years about not having enough time to take care of myself, about how I was too tired, all of that anger made me push myself harder. Who'd have thought that not only would I be changing my body, but I'd be changing my mind and soul, as well? I will not make excuses any more. That's done. It's time for the new me to step into the light.

So I went through the paces of my workout, pushing my muscles through the jell-o feeling. I was utterly exhausted, but I didn't feel like I had done enough. So I did more! I jogged in place for 5 minutes and did some more jumping jacks. It was pretty spiritual hahaha!

So, if you're reading this, and you happen to see yourself in me a little, just know that you can do anything. You have to get off your butt, stop making excuses and crying about all the things you should have done. That's in the past. It's time to do what's right now.

*I fell asleep in the middle of posting last night haha, so this is for yesterday!

I sweat because I care

Today was my first day of exercise. It was awesome!! It was so invigorating. I knew it would be, I am not a total stranger to exercise. But it was wonderful. This morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. I was feeling a serious case of the lazies, but I got up and did it. I'm so proud of myself!

I went to my closet and dug around in the back until I found my forgotten yoga mat. I took it in the living room and stood in front of my television. I worked out while I watched my DVR recorded episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. It made it all go by easily. Here are the exercises I did today:
Bow Extensions- Stand with feet slightly farther than shoulder width apart. With a 5 lb. weight (I used a gallon jug full of water) raise your arms above your head on your left side. Bring the weight down towards your right knee while lifting right knee towards the weight. Do 3 sets of 15 reps, then switch to the other side and repeat with the same 3 sets of 15 reps, taking 30-60 second breaks between each set.

Leg Lifts- Lie on your back with your palms flat on the floor next to your hips. With your feet together, lift both legs so they are perpendicular to the floor, then ease them back down. Don't touch your heels back to the floor, but instead stop about an inch above the floor. Do 3 sets of 15 reps. If you can't do the 15 repetitions, that's a good thing. You want your muscles to max out. I did my first two sets of 15, but my lower abs and upper thighs were burning by my third set, I could only do ten. You should work your muscles til you can't move, then take 30-60 seconds and complete the set.

Jumping Jacks-These go to exercises for junior high gym classes are great cardio for burning calories and lots of fat. I did 3 sets of 20 reps. Then I cooled down by walking in place. When my heart rate returned to normal, I felt so good! This afternoon I went for a walk with the boys. I carried Andrew in the Maya Wrap and pushed John in the stroller. It is such a beautiful day outside, hot and sunny. I worked up a great sweat and surely burned lots of calories!

Enjoy your day!

Trying something new

I have been debating something all day long, and I've finally come to a decision. I've got some news that is hard for me to share. I'm trying to lose weight. While this may not seem like a big deal to some people, it's very difficult for me to talk about it publicly. I didn't know whether to blog about it or not to, because if I talk about it and fail miserably I'll hate myself, I'll be disappointed, and I probably won't be able to show my face again. But I thought that if I did talk about it, it would be the accountability that I needed to keep me on track. While I have a friend who I am sharing this journey with, I still felt I needed something extra to kick me in the ass and keep me moving.

Many things have sparked this desire to get healthy, number one being my children. They deserve a mother who will be able to play tag with them and walk all over the zoo with them, not me who gets out of breath walking to the bathroom. I've been telling myself that I'm fine the way I am, that I don't need to be thin to be happy, but it's not about being thin. At least not totally. It's about being healthy and feeling like I actually did something good for myself for once.
Then there was the fact that none of my clothes fit anymore. That can make any one's self-esteem plummet. And, more recently, the lady in WalMart letting me know I was too overweight for regular bread...
And there's the wedding. I'm going to be the maid-of-honor at one of my best friends' wedding. I'm so happy for her, but I'm absolutely dreading showing my fat arms and spare tire in the fitted dress. So I made a decision the other day. I realized that I'm not going to lose any weight just talking about it, that I needed to just get up and do it. So I did.

I am only human, so I will most definitely disappoint myself and everyone around me at least once. But I do promise to give this my very best. I will be posting about my progress, my feelings, and my daily life on a more regular basis. I really hope that I can find the strength in myself to do this, and I appreciate any love and support from anyone who might be reading this.

Lots of kisses and slimming waistlines
Cassi

I'm fat, thanks

So I went to WalMart to get some bread tonight. I was picking up a loaf of pretty decent wheat bread when an older lady approached me and offered me some advice. "You should pay the extra and get the whole wheat. Always get whole wheat. You're a little overweight, but you're young, so you can still fight it."

Hello. Really? I'm a size 16. While I'm not thin, I'm also not fat. I'm short at 5' 1", and it makes me look really curvy, but when did that become a bad thing? P.S. Lady, I have two kids under the age of 3, I get PLENTY of exercise! Why don't you worry about the box of Twinkies in your cart and let me worry about me wheat bread?!?

That just really gets to me. I'm fixating on this, I think, because I've put on a few pounds since I moved in with Quin, and I've been feeling a little self conscious. So her comments may have come at a bad time. But I don't think I'm overweight. Well, at least, I didn't. Until tonight. Thank you, lady! Now I'm going to go develop my weight complex...

Try something new

If you know me, you know that I have had an obsession with Marilyn Monroe pretty much since I was born.I am inspired not only by her, but by the entire time period in which she lived. For the last few years, I've been doing research, studying people who live a vintage lifestyle. I am so fascintaed by the fashion, and the manufactured beauty of the time period.

Bernie Dexter

Some of my modern day muses include Bernie Dexter, Dita Von Teese, and Ashley from the YouTube channel LisaFreemontStreet. Ashley's channel is devoted to teaching viewers how to achieve vintage looks with time-period inspired hair and makeup tutorials. She also does product reviews for everything from makeup to retro style clothing and websites, and family recipe videos where she does a little cooking show.

Dita Von Teese

As someone who is a lover of all things hair and makeup, I'm totally in love with the manufactured beauty of it all. The over done hair, the bright red lips and winged eye liner, the corsets and girdles; it's all so put on and I love that! These women embrace a lifestyle that takes dedication and effort, and that is so admirable.

I've been expiramenting with these looks lately, and I have to say that this is something I could do daily. I love how I feel when I'm all done up, how Quin looks at me when I'm all done up. I think I'm going to do some tutorials as well, taking inspiration from my favorite leading ladies, and perhaps some ideas of my own.

I hope you enjoyed this little glamorous peek into one of my favorite hobbys!

Graduation Series

I'm doing a series of hair and makeup looks for girls who are going to be graduating in the next couple months. Congratulations to the class of 2011, especially my baby sister, who I guess isn't really a baby haha...I'm so proud of you Haley! You got married, had a baby, and still graduated from high school! I'm so proud of you!

Clean house, plenty of time to play!

Today, all the cleaning is done and the boys and I get to sit back and play. My babies are so beautiful, and I'm a lucky mommy! Except that John won't take a picture with me anymore hehehe.
This is Andrew cuddling a warm blankey on the couch.

                         John sharing his pancake with Andrew. He's such a sweet big brother!

            Watching James and the Giant Peach. I think Andrew was reaching for John's sippy cup.

                                             Yep! He was definitely reaching for his cup!

                                                        Look at my beautiful boys!

                                                              Saying, "Cheeeeeeese!"

He tripped over the rug on Saturday and smacked his poor little forehead on the corner. It left a big goose egg and scrape.

        Cuddling with Andrew. He's still a cuddle bug, unlike John, who has grown out of that phase!

                                                          Look at his pretty blue eyes!

Just a look into our day. And, again, ignore my incorrect time stamp. It is never right, no matter how many times I fix it hahaha.

Why I can't be friends with many women

I read a fashion blog. I try to be as stylish, well, as I can with my ponytails, glasses, often no makeup, even more often frumpy outfits-of-the-day. I think as women, we all want to feel pretty, to feel and see the appreciative glances of others from time to time. So for my daily shot of glamour and inspiration, I read a fashion blog.

She does an outfit of the day every few days. She's a fashion student, a new mommy, and soon to be wife. She juggles alot, but, as we all know, you have to find that one thing that's just for you. Especially when you're a new mom. So she writes a fashion blog. It makes her happy.

Tonight, as I was catching up on my reading, I was scrolling through the comments on this woman's blog post. They were all sweet comments, positive, even when the reviews of the outfit of the day weren't so glowing. Then one caught my eye. Something that was rude, shouldn't have been said. I tried to let it go but it sat with me. Here is the comment:

not trying to be rude or anything but is that what you do all day? go shopping, dress up and take pictures? aside from being a new Mommy & loving makeup, do you have a job? And i'm not talking about "being a Mom and a Wife is a job", I'm talking about a CAREER. Tell us more about yourself then clothes, makeup and hair.

Um. Escuse me. Tell me when being a wife and mom stopped being a job. In my opinion, and I feel like I have the right to share it since I've worked some pretty crappy jobs, but in my opinion, mommy and wife are some of the toughest jobs you could ever have. You don't get paid, you don't get vacation, you don't get sick days, and you don't get days off. You do, however, get pooped on, smacked, kicked, spit on, puked on, and spilled on.

Since when did it become a crime to want to be a mom, and only be a mom. It's a tough undertaking. When did we-those of us who have chosen MOTHERHOOD as a careerpath-become in the wrong for wanting to make sure our children were raised by their own parents? When did we become wrong because we didn't choose the path of high powered executive and didn't start bringing home as much money as our husbands? Isn't making sure our children are raised how WE want them to be raised just as important? Women's Liberation did terrible things for women, just as many terrible things as it did good things. Unfortunately, now, if you stay home to raise your children, clean your house, and cook for your husband, you're lazy, airheaded, dumb, and worthless.

That's why I can't be friends with many women.

Sick babies and cute little boys in their big boy beds!

                                Haley on the left, Melissa in the middle, and Me on the right

                                  Melissa on the left, Haley in the middle, and Me on the right

I'm so excited I can't hardly even stand it. My two number one best friends in the whole world (my sisters) and the most beautiful, fat little one year old (my niece) are coming to visit me in just a couple weeks! I love my sisters dearly, and don't get much time to spend with them, since they both live in Tennessee and I live in Indiana. We talk as often as we can, though. They called me up this morning and were bursting with excitement; so much so that they actually fought over who was going to tell me they were coming to visit.

My youngest sister's husband and niece's father is currently serving in Iraq. While he's away, our middle sister is staying with her and attending college. I haven't seen them in nearly eight months!!! I miss them so much. And more awesome than that, my mom will be here the week before that! My poor boyfriend is going to get so tired of company hehe. But he's never met my youngest sister or my niece, so that should be fun. We're all going to the aquarium and Haley (the youngest) has plans to drive into Chicago to go to the IKEA store.

                             Ignore the time stamp lol..it's so wrong. He wasn't even born in 2009...
Andrew was sick today. I woke up to screams and stinky smells from him. I rushed in his room and he was just covered from head to toe in, well, poop. Yuck. He was running a fever, as well. I ran him a bath and fixed him a bottle, bathed and fed him, then sat in our favorite rocking chair for some good, old fashioned sick-day-spoiling. Do you remember when you were a kid and it was so soothing when you were sick and your mom would pet your hair, rub your back, feed you soup and hold you til you fell asleep? I remember, and I also remember thinking as a child, "When I'm a mommy, I'm always going to do this for my kids when they're sick." So I have a long weekend of disinfecting so we don't pass around his bug.

John is sleeping in his big boy bed so well! I'm so unbelievably proud of him! He's so tall, and is talking so well now, too.
 Funniest thing ever. Yesterday Quin was reviewing the names of things: couch, wall, table, etc. Then Quin pointed at himself and said, "My name is Quin." He pointed at the baby and said, "His name is Andrew." He then pointed at me and said, "Mommy's name is Cassi." Next thing I hear is John running into the kitchen yelling, "Caaaassssiiii!?!" I laughed internally, but outwardly I got on his level and told him the only time he is allowed to call me Cassi is when someone asks what Mommy's name is, or if he's lost and needs to tell someone my name. He called me mommy the rest of the night! I swear sometimes that kid understands alot more than we think he does.

Well, that's all for now!!

My camera is broken!!

I broke my camera! I can't take pictures of all the wonderful things that are happening with my beautiful boys lately! Andrew, my six month old, sat up all by himself yesterday! I'm so proud of him. And John, who is two, is being so sweet to his little brother. He loves him so much, and is such a good big brother.

Also, we got a new couch, which I also can't take a picture of. It's amazingly comfortable, and fluffy, and has a really wide seat, so it's almost as wide as a twin bed...I LOVE IT! It's a big sectional, and it's the best couch I've ever sat on.

I'm planning a Cinqo de Mayo party! I'm so excited, because this will be my first dinner party that I've ever thrown. It's just going to be a small gathering of family, but I'm still excited. I'm making my mom's baked beans, and I have Quin's mom bringing potato salad, his sister bringing deviled eggs, and Quin will be making the meat. I'm also going to be serving Margaritas and Margarita cupcakes! It's going to be great.

I am trying something new, too. I'm doing the veganish lifestyle. I don't eat pork, beef, or chicken. I'm still eating some dairy, eggs, and fish. I found some really great meatless products, that are actually pretty delicious. Veggie Patch and Morning Star make the best meatless burgers, hot dogs, and "sausage". Boca also makes quite a bit of stuff, but I haven't tried that stuff yet. So far, things are going great. I've lost a few pounds, though I can't tell you how many because I don't have a scale. There are alot of other things that are on track, but I don't want to overshare! My skin looks good, and I feel better than ever.

I'm not giving up meat entirely, but mostly. Until the day before yesterday, I hadn't had one bite of red meat in a month! We had garden burgers the other night, and I used ground beef. Wow, I felt so sick after. And something else...sad, or depressed, or something. It just weighed me down. I totally recommend the spicy black bean and corn burgers and the garden burgers.

Veggies and Tofu--Cassi

I'm back!

The last few weeks have been..trying. I've been so consumed with thoughts of my grandmother that I haven't found time to write. Good news, though, my grandmother is doing much better. The doctors took out her vent tube this week and she's now able to sit in her chair and even speak quietly. I'm relieved, and now I feel like I can take a little time for myself now.

John and Andrew have had no idea what's going on, and so all they've seen is Mommy running around like a crazy woman! I did find a little bit of time to edit and upload a new video this week. I'm pretty proud of it, considering it's my first edited video. It turned out pretty well. I'll share it at the end.

I'm now switching my focus to my friend's wedding. I'm going to be her maid of honor, and I'm helping a little with the planning. It's in July, so I have some time left. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see her get married. She and her fiance have been together for six years! It makes me think about planning my wedding, what it will be like, what my dress will look like. *SIGH* Romance..I love it! I think I'll do some bridal updo tutorials and bridal party updo turorials all with makeup and the whole thing. Yay!!

Here's the video for my spring makeup tutorial. Enjoy!

An apology

I'm sorry, to those who have taken it upon themselves to read this, which I'm sure aren't many. I'm sorry that I've been away, that I'm continuing to stay away. My family is having it pretty tough right now, and I'm trying to be there for them while I'm 600 miles away. It's not been easy, and the stress is giving me an ulcer, but finally we had some good news. So I may get some rest finally. I promise to post again within the next few days!
Rest and Relaxation-Cassi

Craziest week ever

My week without internet nearly killed me, but I'm still alive to tell about it. Far worse than that, I recieved news earlier this week that my maternal grandmother has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure after a minor heart attack, and my paternal grandmother was rushed into emergency surgery last night because of an anurism on her aeortic artery. I am heart broken. I've been beating myself up over the fact that I've not called my dad's mom, my grandma Della, since Thanksgiving, and now she can't even breathe for herself. I know it's not my fault, but I should have been a better granddaughter. And this is to be a short note, because I can't seem to find any words to write tonight.

Blogging for my soul

I've realized that doing this, whether someone reads it or not, is cathartic for me in a way. These past few days without my internet connection have been horror for me. I finally got on line tonight, and I read a blog that literally still has me crying my eyes out. I don't think I spend enough time with John. I don't think I'm doing my best as a mother. I know I could be doing better. Sometimes I feel so guilty for all the things that boy has had to go through because of choices I made. I should have left his father when I was pregnant with him. But then I wouldn't have Andrew....it's hard. I tear myself up daily because I hate myself for tearing my family apart, when I'm not the one who tore it apart. Granted, I'm the one who finally said it was over. My ex would have been content to go along with how we were for forever I think. Still to this day he claims he didn't know anything was wrong....(no job, sleeping with my "friend". Yeah. Nothing's wrong champ.)

I guess it's because divorce was always a dirty word when I was growing up. I was raised, taught, that divorce is a last resort. And I still firmly believe that. You should never get married with the hindthought, "Oh, I can just get a divorce if he turns out to be the wrong guy." I didn't, but I also didn't have a clue what I was doing when I was 18, either. I made a mistake, but I intended to stick with it and turn a negative into a positive. Thing is, you have to have equal sides participating for that to work, and obviously, I didn't. I still blame myself. Like I didn't work hard enough to save it, or I wasn't worth changing for, or much worse. I am afraid that someday, my boys will look at me with hatred for leaving their father. For moving on with my life. In an act of teenage rebellion, anything can happen.

I know in my heart of hearts that Quin and I are raising these boys to be hard working, honest men. But that doesn't mean that on the way they aren't going to decide they've had enough of the structure and rules and decide they would rather live with their dad. A place where not only is there no structure or rules, there's no safety, caring, nurturing, love. I didn't have to watch my ex with my son for long to know he didn't want to be a dad. I remember specifically not too long before I told him to get out, an incedent where I needed help with a 15 month old John. I was pregnant with Andrew at the time, and trying to set up for my younger sister's graduation party. We were living with my parents at the time, and he spent almost all of his time in their RV. I called him in the main house to help me out with John, and at first he told me no. Then I straight up demanded it, and he came stomping in, grabbed my baby by the arm, and practically drug him from the room. His own son, because he was mad at me. That didn't fly. I went and took John away from his father immediately and told him not to touch my son. It wasn't too long after that that I told him to pack and not come back.

I just need to keep those memories at the forefront of my mind, because then I can remember that it's not my fault, and John will make up his mind someday. I know he will make the right decision.

Mommy's little runaway

John is so mad at me right now. He has an ear infection and I have to put ear drops in his ears. HE HATES THEM! I have to lay him on his back and put his arms down at his sides while I straddle his chest and arms, hold his head down with his cheek against the pillow so I can put the drops in his ear. It makes me so sad! Mostly because he cries the whole time saying, "Mommy! Mommy!" It breaks my heart. So then I was done with medicine and he hugged me and I kissed his ear and said I was sorry. I have some chores to do today, so I put him in his room with the gate up. When I peeked in about ten minutes later, this is what it looked like: (keep in mind I helped him clean his room this morning, and it was spotless when I put him in there)

So then I told him to clean up the mess, and that Mommy wasn't going to help this time. He then proceeded to take his shoes over and sit down to pout.

He's planning to run away, I just know it hahaha! I love this little monster. Neither one of them seem very happy today. Andrew is throwing a fit, too, and I don't know why. He's been fed, changed, burped, covered up, tylenol, baby orajel....teething is the most fun I've ever had! HA!

Teething rings and overstuffed suitcases! Cassi

What do you see?

My beautiful son, Andrew, is six months old. He is growing and learning so fast! I am so proud of him every time he makes a new discovery. Like when I walked in his room and he was very quietly exploring his tiny feet, or the other day when Quin caught this on camera: (ignore the time stamp...it's wrong lol)

Checking out his beautiful reflection! He was so amazed. Every smile from him is like a sparkling gift from God! I still can't believe He chose ME! to be mommy to these wonderful boys. They make my life so bright and sunny. They are the reason I was born, why I'm still alive after everything I've been through. God watched over me because they are what He had in store for me. I am so blessed every time I wake up in the morning.

Terrible twos aren't as terrible as they sound, because every smile from John is worth a hundred times what the fits and tears are worth. Just look at this smile, and those beautiful brown eyes!

So maybe it's more of a smirk than a smile hahaha...he gets his fiesty Irish attitude from his mama! I love these boys! I can't imagine my life without them.
Love and smiles to everyone today!

Things that make me happy

Today was such a good day! I had so much fun with the kids today; they were both retty well behaved today. Andrew got his shots yesterday, and John has a little bit of an ear infection. All is well otherwise. Before dinner this evening we all went for a walk. It was so cute seeing Quin pick John up and put him on his shoulders! John deserves a dad like Quin. For a man who had no idea what parenting was about, he's such an amazing dad. I know sometimes it's hard for people to wrap their minds around, this whole relationship between Quin and I. For the first time in my life, though, I care less and less about what people think every day.

Quin and I met online in May of last year. I was about three months pregnant with Andrew at the time, just hanging out in a chatroom with "friends". We started playing chess, and the rest is history. We played for four hours that night, just talking and him kicking my butt at online chess haha. We talked every day after that, webcam chatted, where he "met" my oldest son. Though we weren't hanging out in person, we hung out every day. Having a relationship with someone 600 miles away is a great way to really get to know someone without all the physical stuff getting in the way. In August, he flew from Chicago to Kansas City, Missouri to see me. He had two days, and he flew 600 miles to see me! His first time on an airplane...it meant alot. I was hugely eight months pregnant, and he still picked me up off my feet at the airport in the biggest hug I've ever had. It was like those scenes in movies where the boyfriend is flying back home after a long time away. Passers by probably thought we were a couple who had been apart for a while; they had no idea this was our first face to face meeting.

We went to the zoo that day. He pushed the stroller with an 18 month old John in it. He talked to my son, held my hand, rubbed my belly. We both knew how right it felt. The next day we went to the farmers' market with my parents, who instantly liked Quin. Mom and Dad dragged John around in a red wagon while a pregnant me led Quin around my favorite place in the world, City Market in Kansas City, Missouri. We bought produce and listened to performers and had bbq. It was when we were walking through a jewelry store that it happened. The moment we both knew this was it, that we were meant to be together. Browsing around this little jewelry store, the owner, a large man with smiling eyes and a big beard, asked us if we were interested in anything. We told him we were just looking. He then noticed my big belly (I was HUGE!!!) and congratulated Quin on being a daddy. Quin smiled at me, then at the owner, put his hand on my belly and said, "Thank you." I nearly cried! That wasn't the last time that someone mistook him for my baby's father, either. And he seemed to enjoy it.

After that, we had a long discussion about everything that had happened and what we wanted for the future. Our original plan was to wait until the following August to make a move, either me to Chicago or him to Kansas City. After the weekend he spent with me, we decided we couldn't wait that long. We were so in love, and John instantly adored him. I was so hooked! But he had to go home, and that meant more time apart. I bawled my eyes out at the airport. His chin quivered and tears threatened to spill over the rims of his eyes. I am so glad that my amazing mother babysat John for me. I never want him to see me cry like that.

After he got home, we resumed our regular phone calls every night. My due date got closer and closer, and he stood by me through everything. I had been open and honest with him from the beginning, so he knew about my still being married to my childrens' father. Like a new father, and essentially he was, he awaited the arrival of Andrew with me. We spoke the morning I went in for my scheduled C-section, and after I was back in my room with my 8 lb 0.9 oz baby boy. He stayed up with us when Andrew had colic, when John had nightmares, and when I was lonely. And since we've moved here, he's been a disciplinarian, a buddy, a father to my children. He's my best friend and confidante. I'll never regret this as long as I live. Someday, my boys are going to graduate from high school, college, get married, and he's going to be there watching with me, cheering them on and watching proudly.

Today's look and New Hair for Johnny

Today the boys had a doctor's appointment, and it was such a rainy, dreary morning. I needed some color to put a "Spring" in my step...(haha)

This look:
Maybelline New York Dream Liquid Mousse in nude
Covergirl clean powder 225 buff beige
Revlon Golden Affair bronzer 420 naughty or spice
Blush Crush Baked blush 127 honeymoon
e.l.f. Eye pro mini eyeshadow palette (shimmer pink and shimmer purple)
Rimmel London Glam'Eyes in glam ice
Maybelline New York Line Stiletto liquid eyeliner in blackest black
Rimmel London Extra Super Lash mascara in black black
Sally Hansen Line smoothing mineral lip treatment in pink sapphire

Also, John got a new haircut yesterday! It's so awesome. He looks so cute!

He looks so edgy. I love this kid.

You don't have to love it. But I hope you still love me.

I am a faithful person. I have faith in things that have no basis in science, no explanation. I am a Christian. Though imerfect, I still love God, and I know God loves me, too. My mother and father are Christians as well. My mom is the type to preach, which is one of the many things I love about her. Sometimes, though, she takes it too far. Today she offended me.

My choices, may they be good or bad, are my choices, between me and my God. They are not for any one else to judge or criticize. If I'm doing wrong, I answer to the Father, not to my mother. My fiance is pegan. Weird interfaith relationship, even by the most outrageous standards. But I don't love him less, or different, because of his beliefs. I may not agree with them, but like I said before, that is between him and God. His choices are not for me to judge. My mother knows he is pegan; it's not like it's a secret. He doesn't sacrifice animals or worship really anything. He just doesn't believe the way we believe. That's a problem for my mother. She loves Quin. Adores him, even. She just worries that I'm doing him a disservice by living with him, and for my children because I live with a man I'm not married to.

Actually, I am married. I'm married to another man. And I live with my boyfriend who is pegan. You can imagine how my mother reacts to this. So she calls me up today and asks me, "Would Quin be offended if I bought him a Bible?"

"Yes, mother," I say. "Don't do that. Don't buy him a Bible, he will be very offended."
Then started the preaching.
It was alot and I've already pretty much blocked it out, but it came down to me telling her that when she comes to visit next month, do not come into my house and start preaching at a man who has heard it all. I do my best to share my faith, never relenting in my beliefs. But I can't force a person to believe something they really know nothing about. I can't force a person to believe in something they know everything about. So I just live my life having faith, not cramming my faith down his throat.

But I can see it now.

In walks mom. Here to stay for a week. In my tiny apartment. And all she wants to talk about is Quin's soul.

Sounds like so much fun. Such a great time. Wonderful.

So now what do I do? Do I tell her not to come at all? Because I would rather just avoid the fight altogether. I don't want her to come in here and start telling us how it is. I am responsible for my own actions.

And this is all coming off a really bad night. A crappy evening with Quin, a terrible night sleep (because I was sulking) and children screaming at the crack of dawn. My week is going wonderful. I did talk to the lawyer yesterday, and that went well. We looked at a house that we think we are going to buy, as well. So it hasn't been all bad. Just mostly.

That's right. I said it.

I have my first appointment with my divorce attorney on Tuesday. I'm so nervous. I want this stupid divorce to be over with so bad. I am at a point in my life now where I am so happy, where my children are happy. Granted Andrew doesn't know any better, but John still remembers a time (I think) when his dad and I were still together. We've been separated for a year, but it's been over for a lot longer than that. I still hurt, but not for me. I hurt for my boys. I don't know how to explain all this to them when they come to me someday asking why their father isn't around.

What makes a man want to disappear? He didn't physically disappear, but mentally. He just gave up on his children. I hate him for that, and yet I have to put on a happy face for John and make nice with his father, pretend he didn't take what he wanted from me and leave me with two kids, "cultivate the love and respect for the other parent" as the papers say. What a load of crap. Isn't it more important they know the truth? Since when is lying to your children okay? Why should I tell them that their father is a good man and that he wants to see them when I know otherwise?

And don't even get me started on the other woman. She was my best friend. Yes, ladies and gentleman. A backstabbing bitch. She lied to my face every day, while screwing my husband behind my back. Now all that time she spent playing with my son just seems creepy. Like she was preparing herself for some kind of motherhood that will NEVER HAPPEN AS LONG AS I'M ALIVE. As far as I'm concerned, she can have the deadbeat. What burns me is that she took a father away from my children. Not that he wanted much to do with fatherhood before he started banging her every chance he got. But still. What the hell am I supposed to tell my boys?

Back to the lawyer. I'm nervous. Afraid that she's going to tell me that it will take years and thousands of dollars to achieve. Thousands of dollars I don't have because.....? Because I'm busy taking care of two kids with no help from their father.

If there was one thing I could say to him right now it would be....well..many things, not just one. But to her? Enjoy what's left of an already terrible waste of human energy. Always know you didn't take anything from me, because you can't take something that wasn't mine. So any satisfaction you think you got is unfounded. You've got spoiled leftovers, and I have mana from Heaven, dear girl. Oh, and don't ever come near me or my kids ever again. That's right. I said it.

Good things come to those who wait!

I got my first order in the mail from eyeslipsface.com on Friday. I am really happy with everything I bought and I'm excited to make my next purchase. The colors are really pretty and vibrant, and I highly recommend the eyeshadow duo from the Essentials collection. They are smooth and not flaky, beautiful colors and they are only $1.00! Super excited to do business with them again.

In these photos:
e.l.f. Essentials duo eyeshadow in olive
Rimmel London Glam'Eyes eyeshadow in glam ice
Maybelline New York Line Stiletto in blackest black
Rimmel London Extra Super Lash Mascara in black black
Covergirl clean makeup for normal skin 110 (classic ivory)
Covergirl clean makeup pressed powder 225 (buff beige)
Hard Candy Blush Crush Baked Blush 127 (honeymoon)

Teething babies

I have two children. I have John, who is two, and Andrew, who is six months. Anyone who has more than one child knows, all of them are different. With John, I got so spoiled! He never cried. He slept through the night the second week we were home with him. The week before John's first birthday, my kids' father and I found out we were expecting Andrew. To say I was in shock is a major understatement. I had had a c-section with my oldest, and anyone who has had one knows you should wait at least 24 months before getting pregnant again. I was still healing, and I was still a new mom to boot.
Everything about my pregnancy with Andrew was different than before. When I was pregnant the first time, I was sick every day for nine months, on bedrest from my 27th week to delivery, diagnosed with toxemia at 35 weeks, and I gained 55 pounds! With Andrew, I was never morning sick, he was an active baby in the belly, I had so much energy, and I lost 20 pounds. All of the differences continued after birth. Andrew didn't sleep through the night until he was three months old. And that was only the beginning! I've been having such a hard time with him while he's been cutting teeth. With John it was a walk in the park. Andrew is back to not sleeping through the night, and he's keeping my fiance and I exhausted around the clock trying to find something that works for him. We do baby oragel, infant tylenol, a little cereal in his bottle to make him sleepy. So many things, and nothing works.
I'm so tired, I can hardly think straight, and I feel like crying my eyes out every time I put Andrew down for sleep and he just wakes up as soon as I fall asleep. I know I'll get through this, but for now it looks bleek. Every thing I've read and everyone I've talked to says you just have to wait it out. Ha! What else can you do, right? I guess I hope that I can look back on this in a few months or so and be glad that it's over, or that someone will see that I got through it and that will comfort them. So if you're a mommy or a daddy to a teething baby, hang in there. As my mom says to me, "This too shall pass."

First post!!

I've been thinking about blogging for a while now, and finally decided to do it! We are on a budget in our household, which led me to start coming up with DIY ideas, for home and for my own personal style. When I've got a little extra cash left over, the mommy in me just can't spend it on myself; I always find the most amazing stuff that I "just have to get" for my boys. When there is that off chance I have ten extra dollars laying around, it has to stretch far.
Anyone who knows me knows that I love Marilyn Monroe. She was a bombshell. She loved her makeup, her red nail polish. She was the picture of glamour to me, and I'm always trying to recreate that in my own life be it home decor, fashion, or my makeup. She is my inspiration most of the time. That being said, I recently went in search of a more affordable way for those of us on a budget to still look and feel glamorous without breaking ourselves in the process. That's when I stumbled across e.l.f. cosmetics. I immediately fell in love. I think at first my fiance was cringing, knowing I was going to ask for a shopping spree. But once he say the prices, he was more than happy to hand over a little cash. I placed my order on March 19, and am now tracking the package. The FedEx smartship site says it should be here Monday the 28th.
At first, I was like, "Nine days? Really?" because it's shipping inside the US. But then I saw a disclaimer at the top of the site explaining that they are currently to help their affiliates in Japan sort out their issues after the earthquake and tsunami. Then I thought that delivery time was pretty good.
So, so far I'm pretty happy with my order. Customer service is great, and they sent me emails to notify me when my orders shipped and had a track your package feature. I've also been recieving coupon codes in my email from their website regularly. I'm telling you, I'm a believer! Their brushes and makeup start at just $1! That is what mommy on a budget is all about. Not to mention someone who loves makeup as much as I do. Visit the site! I promise you won't be sorry.