Yesterday

Yesterday. It was a big day for me. Yesterday was the day I called my advisor at school and spoke with her about my childcare situation. I explained that without childcare, I would not be able to attend. Like a good student advisor, she gave me some other options. I was so excited when she started telling me, I thought Maybe, just maybe, I can still go. Maybe I don't have to give up now. But it was for naught. Her options were great and all, but they still didn't fit into what is financially possible for us.

I was devastated. I cried, threw a fit, called Quin, wallowed in self-pity. None of that made me feel any better. Then I realized (and I want to thank God for that) that just because I don't get my way, or what I want, doesn't mean my world/life is coming to an end. Maybe now isn't the right time. Maybe what I want isn't the right path for my life. It is still hard to accept. It still sucks. It still makes me want to cry. But while I'm learning to accept it, while it still sucks, when I'm all done crying my eyes out, I'll still be me. I'll still be alive and healthy, still be the mother of two beautiful and healthy and brilliant little boys.

Ah, revelations...

My heart hurts

My heart is breaking. I have to call my school today and tell them that without childcare, I can't attend in August. I have literally searched everywhere you could think of for grants, loans, and assistance. The money I got for school doesn't even cover school. I would still owe them $365. I found out about this government program, Child Care Assistance, and called about it. They are sending me an application. For the waitlist. That I can't turn in until my classes start. It makes absolutely now sense to me. I need to have child care WHEN CLASSES START. And since I have no way to provide childcare for them, I can't attend school. You know, I was just trying to better my circumstances, the lives of my children, my life. It is really starting to feel like anytime I try to do something good, it turns around and bites me in the ass, or I fail.

Now I'm just wallowing in self-pity. But I need to for now...

Short and Sweet

I had my surgery this morning and all went well. I'm feeling like hell that got hit by a Mac truck, so I'm only popping on to report that I am, in fact, still alive. I'm going to take a big pill and get some much needed sleep. Love!

It's been a helluva couple weeks

I'm sorry for the lack of posting lately. I've been so tired, in so much pain. I wasn't able to have my surgery last week due to insurance issues, but I'm going in tomorrow first thing! I'm just so drained, and I feel totally useless because I can't do alot. And the worst thing? I can't control my damn bladder! I'm 21 stinking years old, and I can't hold my bladder when I have to pee. It's worse than being nine months pregnant. Ridiculous.

Whatever. I'm having this stupid stent out tomorrow morning.

I am nervous, again. This always seems to happen to me, though. I got all pumped for my wisdom tooth surgery, and couldn't because of insurance. Got myself all pumped for kidney surgery and couldn't have it. Because of insurance. Grrr! I just want to feel normal again. I hate feeling like I have no control over my own body. But, I have to have this procedure. It has to happen. So tomorrow is for sure. I'm just nervous. I haven't quite got to the point where I am comfortable with that thought yet...

And Again

I'm having surgery again tomorrow. I'm nervous. Before, when I was in the hospital and was basically just told and wheeled to the O.R., I wasn't nervous. I was in pain and would have done anything to stop it. Now, knowing it's coming, I'm a little nervous.

But is there anything really to be nercous about? Not really. When they took me down to the O.R., I was cold and they had just awakened me from a nap. Quin had been in the cafeteria getting a sandwich, so he found me in holding waiting for the O.R. to be prepped. The nurse came and gave me my allergy bracelet (I've discovered I'm allergic to morphine) and Quin held my hand while I dozed off again. The nurse came to get me about an hour later and Quin kissed my forehead as they took me into operating.

I remember the nurse helping me scoot onto the operating table, that the room was sterile smelling and white, and that it was freezing in there. The nurse said, "The anesthesiologist will talk to you about your anesthesia in just a moment." I don't remember the anesthesiologist. I just remember waking up in recovery. It was a long white hall with alot of other beds in it. I had an oxygen tube in my nose and I remember clawing at it trying to get it out. I asked the nurse if I could take it out and she said yes. Then I was out again and the next thing I remember is being wheeled to my own room.

That's not scary. It sounds boring, actually. So I'll be fine. Hahaha...I just gave myself a pep talk! And it worked!

Goin nuts!

I'm feeling better, but not 100%. I'm going a little crazy because I really want to get up and move around, but I am really weak and I get tired really quickly. I am having surgery again this Friday morning. I'm nervous, but I'll be glad to be back to normal again. Because of my horseshoe kidney, I'm more prone to kidney stones than most. So no more cafeine for me!

On a funnier note, dirrectly out my front door I can see that the neighbor is getting a new roof. There are A LOT of shirtless, buff, sweaty, tan men walking around on the roof next door, and I'm pretty well confined to the couch. I can see them perfectly from where I am positioned. Gah, I guess I have to suffer through that all day, too. Torment, I tell you. HA! Yeah. Right.

This is going to be a rather short post because I'm starting to fall asleep...it happens when you're taking the meds I am.

Tan muscles and new roofs!

Stones

I have kidney stones. Four of them. This is why I haven't been posting. I have had them for a while without knowing it (I thought I had just a regular UTI). One of them is very large, and was creating a blockage in my left kidney, which then created a life-threatening infection. I've been in the hospital for a week, and I finally was told last night that if I really wanted to go home that I could try to last out the remainder of my illness on my couch. Missing my babies and my boyfriend terribly, I jumped at the chance. It may have been a huge mistake, because I'm in an extreme amount of pain that isn't as easily maintained here at home as it is in the hospital, but I'm trying to manage.

I had surgery on Thursday to put a stent in my left kidney to drain the infection and prepare it for another surgery where they will go in and remove the large stones. Another thing that I found out while I was in the hospital is that a have a congenital disorder called a Horseshoe kidney. Aparently it is the most common renal fusion anomoly. In English that basically means that I was born with one kidney rather than two. When I was in the womb, my kidneys didn't form correctly and instead of separating into two, they are joined together into one. They are joined by an isthmus, which is just a fancy word for tunnel, basically.

So, long story short, I'm alive, and I'll be ok. I'm going to take a time out for a while, though, to heal. Love to you all!

It's a loooong one!

I had a great day today! I slept in, then got up and bathed the boys, fed them, and we all played for a little while. Then John went in his room to play with his toys while Andrew played in his pack'n'play. Then I took on day three of The Plan (that's what I'm calling the exercise thing now hahaha).
I started with Bow extensions, which I do every day. (You can read about bow extensions here). I did 3 sets of 15 reps on each side. I then did 3 sets of 15 squats, which really got me! My glutes and quads and hamstrings were all burning. I maxed out on my arms doing bow extensions today, so that's all I did for my arms. I then took to the floor for crunches. I did 3 sets of 15 each going forward and to each side to not only work the center of my core, but to get my sides, as well. I am now achy all over, but it's a good ache. I know that aching means it's working.

I jogged for about ten minutes (in place) before I maxed out my legs for the day. I think it was a charlie horse that got me. Then I did something I've been wanting to try, but haven't had the courage to. I did hot yoga. Probably not as hot as the actual class, but I shut all the doors and windows, turned off the A.C., and turned on the heat for my short (very short) routine. I'll share it with you!

Mountain Pose (Tadasana)

Start in Mountain Pose. Breathe in to Volcano, breathe out and bend at the hips, slowly rolling down til you are hanging, bent in half. Walk your feet out a little wider than shoulder width, place one hand in the other and rock them back and forth from foot to foot. Become still again, and roll yourself back up to Mountain Pose.
Roll your self back down from the hips, bend knees slightly, and place hands near the hamstrings. Press down through your feet.Breathe in and move your hands around and place them on slightly bent knees. Breathe out and arch your back like you would in Cow Pose. Breathe in and arch your back in the opposite direction, like you would in Cat pose. Repeat 6 times, being mindful of your breathing.
With your hands still on your slightly bent knees, soften and begin to roll from the hips back to Mountain. Put your hands behind your hips, shoulders back and breathe. Feel the open space created by your shoulders. Back to Mountain.

Downward Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)

Plank

Upward Facing Dog (UrdhvaMukhaSvanasana)

Breathe in to Volcano. Breathe out as you fold forward. Breathe in as you step your right leg back into Lunge, out as you step your left leg back into Downward Facing Dog. Relax your head, hips pointed upward, try to press your heels to the floor. Press your hands into the floor and feel your body stretch. Breathe in as you move into Plank, out as you lower, and in again as you move into Upward Facing Dog. Curl your toes as you breathe out and move into Downward Facing Dog, in as you move your left leg into lunge, breathe in, breathe out as you bring your right leg forward, and out again as you slowly return to Mountain. Repeat this several times, alternating which leg steps out first, and increasing your speed slightly.

Locust Pose (Salabhasana)

From Mountain, lie on your belly, arms down at your sides palm up, head to one side. Relax, slowly softening and feeling the tension leave your muscles. Turn your head so your forehead rests on the floor. Slowly lift your legs off the floor, your arms lifting behind you as you raise your chest off the floor into Locust. Extend and lengthen through your calves, your chest open, breathing. Return slowly to resting, turn your head to the opposite side, then repeat.

Half Bow (Ardha Dhanurasana)

Bow Pose (Dhanura-asana)

From resting, place your left hand in front of your left shoulder. Reach back with your right hand and grab your right foot. Push into the floor with your hand, raising your back foot and lengthening through your back. This is Half Bow. Breathe and feel the openness created by your shoulders. Return to resting, and switch sides. When you've done the left side of Half Bow, return to resting.
From resting, reach back with both hands and grab both feet, raising your chest off the floor into Bow. Hold this pose as you focus on your breathing. Return to rest and move to your back.
Once on your back, bring your knees up to your chest and hug them to you. Roll back and forth, from side to side. Feel the tension release in your lower back. Return your feet the floor.

Happy Baby (Ananda Balasana)

Bring your feet up above you into Happy Baby pose. With your hands on the arches of your feet, again you're going to roll from side to side, rotate your feet and legs, whatever you need to do to feel comfortable.

Corpse Pose (Savasana)

Return your feet to the floor. Stretch your legs out, your hands limp at your sides, palm up. Close your eyes, soften into Corpse pose. Focus on your breathing, relaxing all your muscles, one group at a time. Stay in Corpse Pose for 10 minutes and relax, focusing only on breathing.

This was the best routine I've ever done, I sweated so much. I really got to focus on my breathing because it was so quiet. Give it a try and tell me what you think!

*I do not own any of these photos. The photos herein belong to their owners.

Sweatin' to the oldies (Reruns of Law & Order: SVU)

So today was day numero dos of my pound-shedding plan. I worked my ASS off! Pardon my language, but I don't know how else to express what happened in my living room this morning. I sweated. I growled. I cried. I got angry. And it all seemed to work for me! When I wanted to give up, I pushed harder, telling myself that I always give up on everything. Not this time, Miss Cupcake. No, ma'am. You will finish what you started.

So when I was lying on the floor between sets of crunches, thinking about planting my squishy butt back on the couch, I gave myself that little pep talk and started doing crunches again. I worked through the pain, shedding salty tears of self-pity and counting out the reps out loud. I'm sure my children were mortified. When I was finished with my 30 minute work out, I cooled down. Then I broke down. I bawled like a baby. My thighs were shaking, my arms felt like jell-o, and my abdominal muscles were tight and twitching. I wanted so badly to give up. This is the most difficult thing I've ever done, and I realized that I can't give up. I rarely finish anything I start, and I'm not about to make being healthy another black mark on that list.

The anger in me that was released when I thought of all the excuses I've made over the last couple years about not having enough time to take care of myself, about how I was too tired, all of that anger made me push myself harder. Who'd have thought that not only would I be changing my body, but I'd be changing my mind and soul, as well? I will not make excuses any more. That's done. It's time for the new me to step into the light.

So I went through the paces of my workout, pushing my muscles through the jell-o feeling. I was utterly exhausted, but I didn't feel like I had done enough. So I did more! I jogged in place for 5 minutes and did some more jumping jacks. It was pretty spiritual hahaha!

So, if you're reading this, and you happen to see yourself in me a little, just know that you can do anything. You have to get off your butt, stop making excuses and crying about all the things you should have done. That's in the past. It's time to do what's right now.

*I fell asleep in the middle of posting last night haha, so this is for yesterday!