I have my first appointment with my divorce attorney on Tuesday. I'm so nervous. I want this stupid divorce to be over with so bad. I am at a point in my life now where I am so happy, where my children are happy. Granted Andrew doesn't know any better, but John still remembers a time (I think) when his dad and I were still together. We've been separated for a year, but it's been over for a lot longer than that. I still hurt, but not for me. I hurt for my boys. I don't know how to explain all this to them when they come to me someday asking why their father isn't around.
What makes a man want to disappear? He didn't physically disappear, but mentally. He just gave up on his children. I hate him for that, and yet I have to put on a happy face for John and make nice with his father, pretend he didn't take what he wanted from me and leave me with two kids, "cultivate the love and respect for the other parent" as the papers say. What a load of crap. Isn't it more important they know the truth? Since when is lying to your children okay? Why should I tell them that their father is a good man and that he wants to see them when I know otherwise?
And don't even get me started on the other woman. She was my best friend. Yes, ladies and gentleman. A backstabbing bitch. She lied to my face every day, while screwing my husband behind my back. Now all that time she spent playing with my son just seems creepy. Like she was preparing herself for some kind of motherhood that will NEVER HAPPEN AS LONG AS I'M ALIVE. As far as I'm concerned, she can have the deadbeat. What burns me is that she took a father away from my children. Not that he wanted much to do with fatherhood before he started banging her every chance he got. But still. What the hell am I supposed to tell my boys?
Back to the lawyer. I'm nervous. Afraid that she's going to tell me that it will take years and thousands of dollars to achieve. Thousands of dollars I don't have because.....? Because I'm busy taking care of two kids with no help from their father.
If there was one thing I could say to him right now it would be....well..many things, not just one. But to her? Enjoy what's left of an already terrible waste of human energy. Always know you didn't take anything from me, because you can't take something that wasn't mine. So any satisfaction you think you got is unfounded. You've got spoiled leftovers, and I have mana from Heaven, dear girl. Oh, and don't ever come near me or my kids ever again. That's right. I said it.
hon you dont have to lie to your kids..just let them leanr what kind of person he is for themselves. you dont have to say anything more to them other than, that's your daddy. my sisters dad is a POS and up until my sister was 13 all my mom said was thats your dad..he thought the world of him, then went to live w.him and realized why my mom didnt want to marry him, why she never talked abt him, and why my mom was worried abt her finally talking to him. their dad being a piece of crap isnt your fault and you dont have to make excuses for him..
ReplyDeleteIt's just so hard because I have such anger and hatred towards him. I don't want to project that onto my boys. My worst fear is that in a fit of teen rebellion, one or both of them will decide they would rather live with their dad, and I know that that is unsafe. I worry all the time, and I try not to. Thank you for being so supportive Lor!
ReplyDeleteCassi, where do I start? Well, you know all too well how I grew up, lol. But all lol'ing aside, it was not good. One parent hating the other, hearing each one bad mouthing the other, & grandma and papa treating those who visited Grandpa Jerry different (it can be denied but it is still true.) I, being the oldest and always treated as an adult most of my young life, was the liaison between two "adults." (Tell this one this, tell that one that and so on and so on) It was so hard on my heart because no matter what my dad did to me I still loved him at that time. It hurt. I came to carry hatred for him later but that was after I spent my time getting to know the real him at that time. I didn't like it. I carried that around for years. Cassi, hate will consume you. It will make you physically and mentally ill. We are not to hate, no matter what, we are not to hate and I know you will argue that with me but you know as well as the rest of the family that I and 4 other children, if we were to follow the world, have every right to hate but I found my way around that awful feeling. I forgave him. It was the best thing in the world I could have ever done for myself. I hope you are hearing what I am saying. Try your best not to curse Big John, put him down, vent your hatred, don't tell all the mean and nasty things you could to your children, at least while they are still children. Tell them the simple truth. Their dad made a choice not to be in their lives and you have/had no control over that. That you loved him but he chose to be with someone else. You and they had no choices. Remind them at that time that you love them bunches, because it will hurt them, but it is something they will have to deal with in life. Just try to have that talk with them as late as possible, not too soon. I would only do it when they ask or you feel they are old enough to deal with it. I know it is hard. Like the woman said earlier, let them know that he is their biological bloodline. I would not even use the term "biological father," that is a misnomer under the circumstances. You will have to grit your teeth and bite your tongue many times throughout the years. Yes, I agree with you about it being dangerous for them being with him. You just make sure you raise them right, with good sound morals, with the love of Jesus, with a good and sturdy faith. You are doing so well being a mother. I am really proud of Quin taking on the role of dad with both boys, I don't know him but that says a lot about him and I don't use the word proud easy (I have my reasons and maybe a subject for another day, lol.) Oh, and by the way, you can make a difference to Quin and his beliefs by the way you live your life, you don't have to really say a lot. I just remembered your other blog and wanted to say that. :)
ReplyDeleteI would make sure that John is not allowed unsupervised visitation at all! I know he can't be trusted. This is a late response to your post so you can tell me later but did you guys discuss his record? Anyway, I have wrote another book and still have a bit more I would like to add. No matter how bad my dad was, he was my dad. No matter how much my mom hated him (at the time, LOL) I still loved him. I had to make my personal choices. I did make the decision to sever the relationship after many failed attempts at a decent one, but sweetie, a child just has a natural desire to love and have a relationship with their parents. However, the fact that LJ does not remember him (I am sure he doesn't,) and Andrew has never met him will make differences that I have no experience with. They know Quin as their dad and like with Max and the younger kids, I think that is appropriate under the circumstances but like you said, it is your choices and it is up to you to handle it the way you feel it should. No one else can make these decisions for you. I love you and wish I had lots of money and could make it all go away. ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
I am embarrassed I wrote that big a book. I am so sorry Cassi. Love Aunt Teressa God bless you and your family!
ReplyDelete@Teressa don't be embarrassed! I cried a little reading it! Love you and miss you!
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